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Wobbly focus

I'm still feeling weird and not settled. Last night I slept well, lots of weird dreams, lots of drool. My alarm went off at its usual time, but my body tried its hardest to not notice it. My brain had to yell and jab me awake with the knowledge that I had to get up. So I did. It was hard.

Today is Thursday. In two days is A___'s Oregon wedding. I think this and the lady hormones are at fault for disrupting my ability to do anything. But since the wedding is in a couple days I need to do laundry today so everyone has underthings and pants to wear and the new shirts don't cause allergic reactions to dye.

We've opted out of game night tomorrow. I might have already said that, I don't remember. But anyway this is a good decision.

You know, I suddenly have the urge to pull out my short story and novel and give them a looking over. I don't know if or where I have a hard copy of the short story. I came across the novel the other day when I was cleaning off my desk. I was smart and hole-punched it and stuck it in a binder. There's also the start of my attempted novel from last NaNoWriMo. All these things I can pull out and look over and judge whether they have potential or not. And maybe encourage me.

Just a few minutes ago I read a few Wil Wheton blog posts about his RPG show and the world and system used and how it will premiere in early June and that it will be something fun to watch. So all that reminded me that I have my own role-playing game to set up. I have three out of four PCs set up. The fourth will be either D___ or A___, depending on me, I think. It's a matter of me getting the adventure ready and when. If it's sooner probably A___. Later, maybe D___ if she gets the promotion or job change that she wants. So, yes, it's on me. I want to write it seems, and that would qualify as writing. Oh so many things! I need to get the things out.

Yesterday I tried doing arty things and it was going okay for a while but then I started failing and ruining and not enjoying. And I think it's because of the unsettled feelings and while sometimes doing arty things make the unsettled more settled, I don't think it's the right course of action right now. I seem to be leaning more towards the writing or least reading and thinking about writing area of other things I enjoy.

It's sometimes weird how a thing you do seems so easy and fun and relaxing and then it's the hardest thing ever and this other thing is way easier and more fun and relaxing. But that's a good thing. I think it's important to do more than one thing. It shows and proves you're a multifaceted individual with loads of interests. You are a person who will not stagnate, as long as you pay attention to your different impulses and act on them. It's hard sometimes to know that you will eventually come back to the thing that you feel is the thing you want to work on or improve on or be the thing you want to make your life about. It will stay there, if these are true about it. . . . And it bloody better be true after all the supplies bought and money spent, which contributes to the insecurity. It's all good and you'll return to it when it's time to return to it.

In the meantime, do the other thing. It's also a very good use of your time. Don't worry! It's all good.

So, yes, I will pull out my short stories (now plural because I've thought of two others), my novel draft, and the start of the other, and my notes and notebook for D&D and then peruse through my work. Either reading or just flipping through the many pages that I have filled with words, an incredibly satisfying feeling. It doesn’t even matter what the words are, really. Just the knowledge that everything there came from me, all dumped from the thought processes of my weird little Mama brain. Then maybe I'll get the urge to put more words down, make more content. I kind of like that phrase: making content. It implies that you aren't really working on one thing, one specific thing that needs to be finished now or soon. You have something, a basic frame and you are filling it a little at a time with whatever you feel like. And that can be a project or just a simple one-off blurb about nothing in particular and all these tiny things and more in-depth things are the parts that fill and make up the focus of you.

A quick PostScript: I spent my lunch reading over some of the pages. A couple of the silly short stories and especially ESPECIALLY the partial novel for last November's NaNoWriMo . . . they were really good. The partial novel blew my mind. I may end up posting some of the short stories and partial stories on one of my project pages one of these days.

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